Exploring Masculinity in Parenthood
The following pieces of text were developed to support my private practice blog Checking In. The blog is still a work in progress (still deciding where to host the damn thing). But I’m putting the outputs here for syndication.
What does a father look like around here? In this diverse and culturally rich region, where tradition dances with modernity, the concept of masculinity carries unique nuances and expectations. The image of a father—unflinching and unemotional, steering the family ship with a stern hand—is not unique to Singapore, but resonates across many Southeast Asian communities. Such portrayals, often influenced by cultural norms, historical values, and societal pressures, shape how many men perceive their roles, particularly when they become new parents. It's a complex and multifaceted understanding of masculinity that requires empathy and insight.
Parenthood is just around the corner for some, and these expectations can manifest as immense pressures. A father may feel the weight of being the 'breadwinner,' or the societal insistence on hiding vulnerability. This can hinder him from fully engaging in the emotionally rich experience of raising a child. These aren't just fleeting thoughts; they're deeply ingrained patterns that can affect relationships, self-esteem, and mental well-being. And it doesn't help that we typically don't allow each other to talk openly about it.
Reimagining masculinity in new parenthood isn't just a cultural debate; it's a pivotal aspect of modern parenting and mental health. As we navigate life's milestones, why aren't we examining how we perceive and enact our roles as parents? Why aren't we reviewing how it influences our families, our self-image, and our emotional wellness? To nurture the strength that men truly possess, we need to confront traditional gender roles and embrace a more flexible, empathetic view of masculinity—one where we foster a positive and nurturing environment for our children, partners, and ourselves.
The Traditional Masculine Role
It's a known truth, but one that bears revisiting: Across Singapore and many Asian communities, perceptions of masculinity and fatherhood intertwine with tradition and cultural values. Fathers are cast in roles of authority, stoicism, and financial stability, as if chiselled from society's very foundation. These images aren't mere stereotypes but reinforced societal expectations that cast masculinity in a mould of strength, control, and emotional restraint. The Asian parenting experience, with its unique perspective on masculinity and fatherhood, further perpetuates these norms.
Is this the complete picture of a father in an Asian household? The pressure to conform simmers like boiling water inside a teapot—often unseen but felt intensely. Fathers become unwavering figures of strength, discipline, and provision. Emotions and vulnerabilities are pushed aside, considered unmasculine, leading many to suppress these aspects that were meant to signal their humanity and resilience.
Connecting Issues
Understanding these challenges requires us to unravel the complex web of societal pressures (social), personal beliefs and coping strategies (psychological), and the impact of stress (physical):
Physical: Conforming stress manifests tangibly, from sleep disturbances to chronic health conditions—a silent testament to the tangible impact of societal pressures.
Psychological: What does it mean to be a man? Personal beliefs and coping strategies guide this journey, shaping how one navigates the maze-like pressures of traditional masculinity.
Social: Cultural norms, family expectations, and societal pressures act like relentless tides, shaping traditional masculine roles and hindering progress towards a more empathetic view of fatherhood.
The repercussions extend beyond mere discomfort. Struggling to meet societal expectations can lead to anxiety, depression, and isolation. But we don’t even have to look that far. The inability to express emotions or seek support already amplifies these mental health challenges. The traditional masculine role becomes not just a role but a barrier, obstructing genuine communication and connection within the family.
Why has this pattern persisted? How did we reach this dance of suppression, never pausing to examine our development and intergenerational history? What else shapes the way men approach and come to terms with their masculinity in parenthood?
Popular Culture
In Singapore, we often stand at the crossroads of culture and history. We become acolytes of the news and social media, absorbing the rich tapestry of both Eastern and Western popular culture. It's no surprise that pop culture adds complexity to fatherhood and masculinity for upcoming fathers here. These influences, both subtle and overt, shape our perceptions, expectations, and the roles we assume as fathers.
Consider the portrayal of fathers in popular films of the early 2000s. These films, set before the #MeToo movement and during the glory days of the bread winning father, feature characters that have become iconic, reflecting societal expectations:
Lester Burnham from American Beauty: Trapped in a midlife crisis, Lester's isolation and imprisonment within societal masculinity expectations remind us of the need for flexibility and empathy.
Will Freeman from About a Boy: Will's transformation from a carefree bachelor to a father figure highlights the complexity of embracing parenthood with sensitivity.
Jack from Brokeback Mountain: Jack's conflict between societal expectations and personal desires reflects the struggles many face in reconciling individual identity with cultural norms.
These portrayals aren't mere plots for entertainment; they define the challenges, creating waypoints on a hero's journey that extend into our daily lives. They mould our perceptions, influence our strategies, and guide us through the complex terrain of masculinity and fatherhood.
As a counselling practice, we find this the most intriguing aspect of fatherhood in Singapore. We can’t escape the blend of traditional Asian values with the dynamism of global pop culture. It creates a unique narrative where fathers are not just providers or disciplinarians but complex individuals. Can we be vulnerable yet strong? Nurturing yet authoritative? How do we delicately dance between tradition and modernity?
A Shift in Perceptions
Now that we’ve arrived in 2023, masculinity continues to go through a profound transformation. Recent years have seen global movements like #MeToo sparking greater awareness of toxic masculinity in relationships and workplaces. This newfound consciousness isn't just highlighting problems; it's inspiring a comprehensive reassessment of traditional male roles, redefining what it means to be a man today.
In Singapore, the shift is more intricate, as it interacts with various socioeconomic complexities that affect how we live our lives. The pressures of an ageing population, coupled with rising living expenses, are challenging the long-standing belief that fathers must solely bear the financial weight of the family. COVID-19 and continued divorce cases are pressuring the need for male spouses to be more emotionally accountable to their behaviours. The responsibility that comes with fatherhood is evolving into a shared endeavour, reshaping family dynamics, and liberating individuals from outdated burdens.
Nowadays, we’re starting to see a refreshing embodiment of empathy, emotional availability, and adaptability in paternal parenthood. Far from being trapped in rigid norms, new fathers today value growth, collaboration, and genuine connection. We see it vividly depicted in recent narratives and films:
Marlin from “Finding Nemo”: Marlin's journey is not just a quest to find his son, but a transformative exploration of fatherhood. He begins as an overprotective parent, bound by fear and control. As the story unfolds, Marlin learns to cast aside his ego, embracing vulnerability, trust, and growth. This shift from a paternal model rooted in authority to one that celebrates emotional openness and collaboration highlights a fatherhood that fosters autonomy and trust.
Juan from “Moonlight”: Juan's character in “Moonlight” challenges and redefines fatherhood. As a mentor to the protagonist, Chiron, Juan offers guidance, empathy, and compassion without imposing his views. His approach to masculinity is inclusive and accepting, reflecting a deeper, more nuanced view of masculinity that resonates with modern sensibilities.
Mr. Perlman from “Call Me By Your Name”: Mr. Perlman's portrayal offers profound insight into a father's love and understanding. His relationship with his son emphasises feelings, vulnerability, and acceptance. His iconic speech, where he encourages his son to embrace love and emotions, symbolises a masculinity free from power's decay.
As a private practice, we're delighted to be part of such positive change. The evolution in fatherhood matches with our therapeutic ethos of understanding, empathy, and positive growth. These portrayals of fatherhood in modern films are emblematic of a societal shift in understanding masculinity. They challenge traditional norms, introducing fathers who are emotionally available, empathetic, and open to growth. This stark change resonates with contemporary audiences, reflecting a more inclusive, compassionate, and holistic view of fatherhood.
Supporting New Fathers
Becoming a parent is a journey filled with joy, anticipation, and, yes, a touch of uncertainty. This profound change is especially significant for new fathers grappling with a transitioning environment of what it means to be masculine. And that's where counselling can support —not as a cold clinical process, but as a proactive opportunity for discovery.
At Mellow & Tale, we aim to make sessions more than just single 1-hour appointments. We envision them as spaces for exploration, where you can be authentically you—free from societal expectations and judgement. Take time to unpack feelings, share concerns, and delve into fatherhood's true meaning. It's about embracing your authentic self with empathy and confidence. Because every father deserves this support, and hopefully every father can see counselling as a courageous step towards understanding, growth, and resilience, equipping them to embrace parenthood with open-mindedness and care.
The journey doesn't end within private sessions. Share this new path with those closest to you—partners, family, or lifelong friends. Invite them into your journey. Their involvement and understanding can be a powerful force, helping you navigate challenges, especially when surrounded by individuals who share your values and walk a similar path.